December 27th, 2030

Current Music: AMPERE Subject: BACKDATE ENTRY Time: 02:01 am Current Mood: working

friends only please.

305 surrendered & Speak

September 14th, 2008

Current Music: neon neon "sweat shop" Subject: Glimpse Time: 10:01 pm Current Mood: high

chicago is so interesting. it's exactly what i was looking for. but very awakening. i just really want a job already. and it's only been four days here, but no working is freaking me out. a lot of down time, and discovering. i am a little disappointed in some of the people that i know that live here, but not really hurt. luckily tana surprised me last night and came back to town earlier than i expected. i've had one interview so far for a part-time reception job. i'm hoping i get a call tomorrow telling me i have the job. and i have a list of jobs to send resumes to first thing tomorrow morning. i'm just waiting to feel comfortable here. i feel really lost. i have really high expectations for myself being in this new environment. i hope everyone comes to visit.

1 surrendered & Speak

September 6th, 2008

Subject: goodbye Time: 06:21 pm Current Mood: disappointed

michigan. tonight is my last night in ann arbor, and then i am heading home tomorrow morning for a day or two before i take the train. there are things and people i am going to miss, but most that i will not. chicago, hello.

Speak

August 10th, 2008

Time: 07:36 pm

Fuck, is this right? Should I go it alone?

1 surrendered & Speak

June 16th, 2008

Current Music: the dream Current Location: bed Subject: clean up very nicely. Time: 12:30 am Current Mood: tired

i realized today how weird when it comes to death. for some reason or another i never know how exactly to feel or react when someone i know dies. i think its moreso that i have trouble taking it personal when someone does die, not that- that's what its about, but it almost seems like the most common response when someone does die. my uncle died yesterday. he had a heart attack in his bathroom. he was my mom's closest brother. he had two kids, one eleven and the other sixteen with one grand child (yeah the sixteen year old has a child). he was probably my closest relative outside of my immediate family, even though we are not close to any relatives on either side. i feel guilty not having the chance to see/talk to him before this happened, let alone at all really since i babysat his kids for awhile when i was fourteen. i feel mostly upset for my mother. i had lunch with my dad today, and he was explaining to me how they had just left a friends house a mile away not five minutes after my aunt found him dead in the bathroom. they arrived right as the coroner was zipping my uncle alive. my dad said my mom started beating on my uncle's chest telling him to wake up. which obviously breaks my heart. i talked to her briefly on the phone tonight, to figure out when the funeral is, and how she is holding up. she was so out of it, and i could hear in her voice how distraught she was. i'm trying to figure out what i should do about the funeral. apparently a lot of the younger relatives are not going to be attending the funeral, due to what a big shock this is. i'd love to go to support the family, and mostly my mom but i can't imagine how uncomfortable i will be in a situation like this. despite the fact that this is not about me at all, i know how utterly uncomfortable i was at my moms mom's funeral a month or so ago. seeing all of the family that we pretty much ignore all together, and getting "reacquainted". getting stared at by all of the family i don't know and feeling my anxiety kick in with all of the commotion and attention. ontop of all that, my sister is in iowa and i'm almost positive she is not coming out for the funeral, so i would have no safety net like last time to cling onto. what a horrible father's day for my moms dad, whom she recently is becoming reacquainted with post-his wife's funeral. today was supposed to be a big family celebration for his birthday/ father's day. i have a headache trying to grasp this whole entire situation, so i'd like to move on. i am slowly sorting out where i might end up in the fall. i'm starting to think it might be chicago. it seems so much less complicated, and it's starting to seem like someone might not want me to come with them anymore. i'd get to live with anthony again which would be awesome. everything has slowly been spilling out. i think this little trip might get everything out in the open, but i'm really nervous. i got some of the clarity i needed, but not quite as much as i wanted. sorry everything is so cryptic, i just feel better keeping it that way.

1 surrendered & Speak

April 8th, 2008

Subject: HAPPY Time: 12:21 pm

BIRTHDAY TO ME! COME HAVE A DRINK WITH ME TONIGHT, OR ANY OTHER NIGHT THIS WEEK!

Speak

January 1st, 2008

Subject: PREMIX Time: 10:49 pm Current Mood: tired, but floating.

i am keeping it under wraps because i don't want to jinx it. i am all smiling on the inside.

3 surrendered & Speak

December 12th, 2007

Current Music: ugly casanova. Subject: God Time: 10:09 pm Current Mood: depressed

I miss my life. I feel purposeless and void. Everything is just sullen and dead. It's hard to figure out what answers there are to it all, or maybe which direction I took that has taken me here. Seasonal sadness is so predicted, but I have definitely raised my hand for this one. I am envious of everything, and everyone. There is no one to reach out to, no one is close enough. Even listening to things, reading things, seeing things that remind me of what is good makes me so sad. Full circle familiarity. This is exactly how I feel, with no desperate attempts for condolences. I completely blame myself. I could sleep forever. i don't really need to see, so i don't need to see so i'll paint, i don't know, i'll paint it black. i don't need to see, i don't see how you see out of your window, i don't need to see, i'll paint mine black. i don't know me and you don't know you, so we fit so good together cuz i knew you like i knew myself. we clung on like barnacles on a boat, even though the ship sinks you know you can't let go. i was talking like two hands knocking, saying '"let me in, let me in, please come out." black glass, dirt-based soap, tell yourself what you know. my friends, oh my friends, bury your head i'll help you bury your plans. hard hit, hard to miss, problems are what a problem is. my light came up quick, call it your asterisk, buried like boys in a boys first book of the stars saw it as satellite, constant unblinking as, buried in the bottom of a bottom of a blackish lake.

1 surrendered & Speak

December 4th, 2007

Current Music: the russian futurists Current Location: living room Time: 01:28 am Current Mood: curious

sigh

Speak

November 12th, 2007

Current Music: one am radio Subject: forest green Time: 03:03 am Current Mood: tired

sometimes some people are so beautiful or great that i feel insignificant. not even to sound depressing or anything; but just fact. there are some people that i encounter, or even know that seem very fortunate. and i am envious beyond words. its very intimidating, you know?

1 surrendered & Speak

November 11th, 2007

Time: 09:50 am

feelings are stupid.

4 surrendered & Speak

October 23rd, 2007

Current Music: new copeland. Subject: "you break your neck to keep your chin up" Time: 02:37 am Current Mood: busy

i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing anymore. everything in patterns. and i'm finding myself doing things, but having no certain idea as to why i'm doing it. nothing terrible, just little things. and after the fact i find myself asking "what did i do that for?". it's both funny & weird. unexplainable, but i wish i had an answer. i have all this weird hope for things that probably aren't going to happen. i don't know if it's what gets me by, or if i really do believe deep down that maybe it will. all at once i want things to be the way they used to be, but yet i want everything completely different. god things are so different. THEN NOW everything should take a little time and just look back on old old entries you made. even if it was a year a go, or in my case three years ago. things are so different now for everyone. for the better, for the worse. regardless everything is different. my life is nothing like it was in those pictures. there is so much that i miss from that time. reading through what was going on, all of those problems seem so minor now. the funny thing is i probably will be saying the same thing three years from now.

1 surrendered & Speak

August 21st, 2007

Subject: repeatrepeatrepeat Time: 05:29 pm

third place posted. come to my housewarming party this saturday august 25th at 10pm. the address is 1004 brooks ann arbor, mi 48104. you can pet my kittens and drink with me and a big mix of people.

Speak

August 13th, 2007

Current Music: MSTRKRFT Subject: favourite Time: 11:25 pm Current Mood: awake

ups & downs you know? i think my cat is being put down, and if not today really soon. he has liver cancer and has lost all of his weight almost. he can't keep food down, and he keeps going to the bathroom all over my parents house. he's honestly a ghost of himself lately. it breaks my heart completely and there's nothing we can really do. he's dying and is in so much pain. i have never had an animal as long as i've had him, and i've never had an animal die on me. i was a mess all day today at work, and i had to hide ontop of a parking garage to get it all out and cry. no one will ever understand how close he is to me, or what type of connection i have with him. he could always interpret whatever mood i was in and he'd just follow me around wherever i went. i didn't take him with me when i moved out because he was getting really sick and moving him would have made it worse. i haven't seen him many times since i moved out, but each time he was worse and worse looking. i wouldn't have the capacity to come home to him dead, or even take him to the vet to get put down. my emotions are all over the place right now, and this whole experience is new to me. i just want to move into our house this week and have a room to sulk in.

5 surrendered & Speak

July 25th, 2007

Subject: humid chill. Time: 06:20 pm Current Mood: blank

i have been working nonstop lately. my manager is ready to have her baby, so after she leaves I have to step up and help run the store with the other manager. i worked almost 50 hours last week, and am getting close to 40 a week now. the money is nice, but i don't have a lot of downtime for anything or anyone. all i do is come home, relax, and drink. and then fall asleep allowing myself 5 hours until i have to get back up and start work again. i am supposed to be out of my apartment by the 1st, and i still don't even have a new place to move into yet. friday is the one and only day i will have this week to apartment shop. if i don't find one in time i am going to have to either move home or move my things into someone elses place until i can find one, which i do not want to do. i'm going to miss this apartment, but i really need a break from this rent. ideally i'd like to pay around 100$ less. we're looking for two bedrooms, but might have to settle on a one bedroom if we can't find a cheap enough place. we're both fine with that anyway, but seperate rooms would be nice. bridget and melissa are both leaving SEE next month, and i'd really like to pick up a part-time position there. i really need it so i can bank it to my savings. i think they start around what i'm getting now, and they make commission as well which is nice. i finally picked out my glasses today, so now all i need to do is get my eye exam.

Speak

July 4th, 2007

Current Music: interpol " the heinrich manuever" Time: 06:59 pm

the humidity is coming and i'm not excited at all. my landlord said that there are some crazy storms heading this way, that should stick around for the next week or so. if tornados are involved i'm hiding somewhere. anthony moved out on sunday. i'm really happy for him, but it's sad to see the apartment so bare and quiet. i found out that my landlord thought that i was going to be ready to move out on the 14th of this month, which i was completely unaware of. i haven't even had any time to look for a new place because i've been working so much. i told him that i was under the impression that i didn't have to be ready until august 1st, so i hope i am not homeless, or forced to move back home. i'm excited to get my paycheck this week with my new raise. i have a lot of things that i've postponed on, but after this check i should be caught up. once i move into a cheaper apartment i really need to start working on getting an ipod and a computer. gravy train!!!! is coming on the 16th and i just made it in time to request that night off. & lupe fiasco is playing for free on friday in detroit. trip to toronto in september for the virgin music festival is so close i can taste it.

Speak

June 20th, 2007

Subject: i am not the same. Time: 08:32 pm Current Mood: calm

i miss a lot of people from my past. otherwise, i am perfectly happy right now. two promotions at work, three raises, and trying to do something ive never done before every night. everything is best in trios.

Speak

January 2nd, 2007

Subject: stomach in knots. Time: 12:49 pm

couples can go fuck themselves. im tired of sitting back. its easier to forget about someone when you have someone else to lean on. im forgetting 2006 and moving forward. i started tanning and my skin has been peeling like crazy. im finishing up last minute details for the move. i just need to call the school and ask about classes and find an apartment. i still want to take time to say goodbye to everyone. even if you hate me, or are holding a grudge id like to put it aside. new years eve was so crazy. i hate ex's.

Speak

December 18th, 2006

Subject: far Time: 01:01 pm

everything will be perfect in 49 days. im registered at los angeles southwest college. i should be on the road sometime in mid-january. there's nothing and no one left for me here. im severing all ties with the bad in my life, and im settling all scores that are still standing. im taking my cat and i plan on never coming back to bad memories again. im not going to hold any hard feelings, or grudges. im just not going to waste anymore time on pointless affinities when im across an entire country. im still looking for someone to tag along with me on the road trip across. i will try and pay for the majority of the gas, wed just have to split hotel and food, and you'd need a oneway ticket back to michigan. but if anyone is interested in a vacation to LA then get in contact with me. ill only be here for another month or so, so lets make the best of the time we have left. id really like to see everyone before i go. also, new years eve in canada is in the works so if you want a part of that, then just ask. i think itd be a nice goodbye to this past year and before i move away, and also before everyone goes back to school. christmas shopping after work. call me if youll be at somerset or twelve oaks.

2 surrendered & Speak

December 15th, 2006

Subject: leave it Time: 07:16 pm

take advantage of my last few weeks in michigan. i wont be coming back for awhile, or at all. you'd think winter break would be the appropriate time to get together. we'll see.

Speak